Writings on Behalf of the Insane.

I have been meaning to get around to writing this blog for a while now. I could feel the tension building up inside of my heart and mind. I knew I needed and still do need an outlet for the pent up aggression and feelings, before it started leaking through in my real life relationships. Well because of what has been going on in my life, I never really made time. I can't say I have been busy because I have been exactly the opposite. I have never had so much time in my life, yet I can't get around to do anything besides fight. So with someone who I love, that I never get to see but for ten days every two months, in the other room mad at me, nothing better to do. i am now taking the time, in hopes to maybe easing the strain on my brain, body and soul.



Stress, EVERYONE has it. In one way it's what makes everyone the same. Stress is color blind, doesn't pick and choose based on race, height and weight. Sure we create the stress, we let it do what it does to us. But at the base of stress is your personality. How you handle situations, how your emotions and brain take the information or problem and react to it. I guess we could really train ourselves not to react to it and rewire ourselves. But in order for that to be successful you have to an incredible amount of willpower and strength. Which as of this moment I have not yet have aquired. Whos to say I will? Maybe I will never be able to. Maybe I will be able to focus my mind and be able to accomplish it better in a few months. I don't know, I can't tell the future.


Future I believe is something that the root of stress is based on. It is it's stool. It's pedestal to form and grow. Because if we all lived on the present day we wouldn't worry about the future. Everything from a broken down car, to bills, to relationships. If we didn't think about the future cost of that car repair or how we are going to get it to the shop TOMORROW. If we didn't think about the bills that we don't have the money for, and how WHEN we get our check we will pay it. The FUTURE of the relationships, the jealousy of what actions MIGHT or WILL be of your partner. If we lived in the present and in the moment things would be alot easier. But we have been taught and learned to think about the future. The future is the present of the actions of the past. What you do today will affect tomorrow. Which is why we stress about it. Its a vicious cycle. But one I believe is neccesary.


Right now, I am dealing with ALOT of stress. I thought I would be so happy right now due to the fact that a man i love is here after not seeing him for a little over two months. But, we have been doing nothing but fighting since he has been here. I am not myself because of going through alot of physical pain, the fear of what I will do that will cause me future pain, the fact I got in a car accident the day before he got here so I have to worry about that. I have a doctors appointment in two days to discuss whats wrong with me and possible surgery options. All I have been wanting to do is lay down and relax. Try to ease my stress and future pain and present pain. But its apparent that is not what he wants to do. I get easily irritated because of stress and he reacts easily to it because he takes it personal instead of trying to realize why I am like that even though I have explained it to him. It is a vicious cycle. The whole trip has been ruined because of this cycle. I can't figure out a way to break it. I can say I am not going to be so easily stressed out and not take things so personal. But it always ends up being the other way.


I have been suicidal in the past, it was always a high and low. Always a suicidal because of the situation in the present. But lately I have been expierencing new suicidal thoughts, its not as strong as in the past, and its not based on a current situation. Its not a high or low. Its a low. No highs. Its a CONSTANT thought just lurking in the back of my mind. Which is what scares me the most. Im scared that its not going away, and that it's more of a serious thought process due to the fact I have no positive thoughts mixed in. I swallow it, and push it in the back of my mind, and don't tell anyone while its happening. Scared of being looked at different or shit talked to. Stuck in a rut, feeling alone and helpless.



So much shit going on. I have no idea who to talk to about it. The person I trust the most, I have explained most of the shit besides the current suicidal thoughts and it seems like it doesn't make a differance in the fights between us. It is not his fault, because he does care which is why he takes it personal. But sometimes part of caring is realizing when someone is going through a hard time and being there and not taking shit personal. Realizing its not directly aimed at you. It seems that as a repeat of history.. writing is my only escape...


and its terrifying for me. I don't know what the future will hold. Im scared about surgery, about money, about having a job, about this new relationship im in. My physical body is shit right now constantly in pain. I don't know what to do. I would love to just disappear for a while.


I just wish I could tell someone without feeling judged and without being told "to stop feeling sorry for yourself" "your life is not that bad" "stop with the emo shit". I understand my life is not that bad, that doesn't change how I feel or my thought process... Trust me I have tried to think positive.... Scares the fuck out of me.. I have been dealing with this suicidal shit since 7th grade.. its still here. Im terrified of it winning in the future. Something has to give..

Thank god for my daughter. otherwise I would not be here...


God help me get through this..Im asking.

Free Spirit.

Typical? Special? Average? Extra-Oridnary?

How does my life compare with others? Should I care? Usually I am so worried about the fact that I have been through so much in my life. While my Iq is higher than most, also with more of a sensitive heart, and a slight anger problem. I also held this thought in my head, I don't know where it originated from. Ever since I was a child, I literally look at things through a lense. I can not explain it. I see the beauty in everything. I knew I was put here to change something. Something that would make a difference. Although, for the people who I have loved and cared about. I have had a huge impact on them and it seems to be for the better. There is a bigger goal for me.

The problem with me is I care about so many different subjects and things. I can not decide what it is I am supossed to do. I feel like me as one person is not making an imprint on this earth and god forbid I were to pass tomorrow, I want to be remembered for something I was. I don't want to be remembered for my past or what thoughts I had. I want to leave the world a better place than how I found it. With so much corruption and evil that is in this world. I find it hard to be who I want to be. I find myself on defense so much from what has happened to me. I find myself looking out for me and people within my tight knit circle. But that is not my soul. My soul wants to reach out and help every person in pain. Call it corny, don't believe me. I don't care.


There is a reason I have the peace sign tatted on my head. It is not because of a trend. It stands for the depth of my soul that I can not always express. To penetrate my shell and see the real me is a difficult thing. Some find impossible. Some find easy. Some just never take the time. In any case. I want to make major changes that need to take place in my life so I can be happy.
You never know when life is going to be taken from you. I never want to take a day for granted. I don't want to leave with my desires left unfilled. I guess like linkin park, you could say in the end it doesn't really matter. But it does. It matters for my daughters future. For all of our kids future. Your imprint on this world and people. Changes everything.

I am in one of my calm, philosophical mind frames I guess you could say. I am calm. There is no need to bitch or be upset. I feel the need to better things. Starting with my own life. I honestly think had this been a few decades prior I would of been a hippie. :) Maybe that is it. Maybe I can not think of what to do and have a hard time because I am supposed to be a free spirit. A child of earth..............Nahhhhhhhhh. I am here to make the world a better place for my daughter. Even if its by just one thing.


Where to start..where to start?

Tears For The Sweet.

On the phone listening to you sleep...
This distance is killing me slowly, it's cutting me deep...
Of course the inevitable tears running down my cheeks...
I wish I had you here to wipe the tears away...
Always there to make sure I am okay...
To be happy..for years I would pray..
Finally I am seeing a better day..
But your not here.. at least not today.
The miles betweeen us
yet there is still love and trust.
But being with you is a must.
Because I can never picture our love a bust.


I never want to lose you.
I never want to hurt you.
I just want to love you.
Be able to comfort you.


I can sit here with love songs replaying in my head.
But the sweetest love song is the one not sang yet.
I look foward to our future together.
I love you and that changing is never.
My comfort and my security reside within you.
In your arms..I felt complete all the way through.
I finally cry not just out of lies, hits or cheats..
I cry tears for the sweet.
I am so thankful for you I could meet.
Embrace your warmth and love within sheets.
I love you Michael, I want our future to be bright.
For there to be more love than of our fights.


I never want to lose you.
I never want to hurt you.
I just want to love you.
Be able to comfort you.


The next two months will bring change.
Hopefully will ease some pain.
Get to see each other everyday.
In bed with one another lay.
Feel one anothers love and sincerity.
Once in our lives have some clarity
I love you and there is nothing more clearer than that.
As you hold me in your arms and hearts relax.
We love each other and thats the clearest of the facts.
I can not wait to live with you and share my life.
One day have kids and hopefully become your wife.
All i know Is i love you and i know this is right.


I never want to lose you.
I never want to hurt you.
I just want to love you.
Be able to comfort you.

The Hatchet.

Everyone ALWAYS asks "What is a Juggalo?" Everyone has their different meaning of it. But everyone can agree it means family. It means being yourself and having your own fucking meaning to it. However being a juggalo was to accept people for who they are. We had the freaks, the outcasts, the loners, the jocks, whoever the fuck was down. WAS DOWN. Now we have these stupid little mother fuckers coming up and repping the hatchet. Fucking beating women, being racists and saying its a gang. ITS NOT A FUCKING GANG.I DON'T CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU SAY IT IS NOT A GANG. Its a family, homies, down for each other to have each others fucking back. These mother fuckers that don't know shit about what it means to be down. Is ruining our fucking name. Getting the shit banned in high schools. Getting it now "gang affiliated" with the cops. Shit is stupid.

I will always be a juggalo. However there is a certain extent that I am now. If I know your down, and truely down and willing to help out other fam. I will fucking help you out and shit. However Im not any longer taking peoples words for it. It has to be proven. Too many pieces of shit are backstabbing family and causing mad drama within the fam. SHUT THE FUCK UP. STOPPING CREATING DRAMA WITHIN EACH OTHER. I used to rock a dope ass hatchet man on the back of my car. I took the shit off. Not because Im not down, I will always be down. However, alot of the juggalos that I know about here in vegas. Are fucking trash. They don't know what it means to be a juggalo. Don't get me wrong. THERE ARE ALOT OF DOWN ASS JUGGALOS HERE THAT I KNOW. However, the majority down here are fucking shit. One of my good friends has been going through ALOT of shit from some juggalos. Some racists, women beating juggalos down here. Its not even fucking right. The family down here is becoming a fucking trend and not a family. You see someone walking in the mall and say whoop whoop they dont say shit back.


I got involved with the hatchet after seeing the unity. The shit to have each others back. The shit to be down and not fuck over family. It was a family I didn't have. Now the shit is turning fucking twisted. and not TWIZTID. I miss the old fam. I miss the way it was. There are still the older juggalos and some newer ones that still know what the fuck is up. And i love mother fuckers like that. I will always be down. But people are turning this shit upside down and turning it into a negative fucking thing. Instead of a positive.

Also, say what you want. But the artists on psychopathic are suppossed to be all about not selling out. Anti-Mtv and radio shit right? Im starting to smell bullshit when i hear icps shit being advertised on the radio. Im just saying It is not what it was. And when i can go to a random local jewelry shop here and they have the hatchet man. I honestly dont like that shit.
Me and mike went to fucking luxor to see the bodies exhibit he had on his chain of course as we both did. We went out and was looking at the oxygen bar when the stupid whore at the bar was talking about his chain and said "this is becoming very popular now" and then something about it being a trend i dont remember exactly what she said. Shit like that pisses me off.


I miss the fam being fam. I will always be down. But can we please make this shit fucking correct.


RANT OVER.

Porn

The title should say enough about what this blog will be about. In these times sex and porn are everywhere. I can go downstairs at 10 oclock at night and max is playing free shows all about sex. I go on myspace and as their "celebrities" they have porn stars. I go on pretty much any forum on the internet and there is a section devoted to porn or sexual explicit pictures. Of course living in Las Vegas I can not walk downtown without there literally being thousands upon thousands of porn cards thrown every where. A place that is so volitile for my daughter to be I hate calling vegas my home. Drive downtown billboards in the air with girls asses and "gentlemen clubs". Got to love that one. The irony. Gentlemen? I would rather call them worthless pieces of shit who need to get back to their responsilibities and families if they have them.

I understand single guys and the facination with naked whores. But when my anger light turns on is when a guy has a girl that he cares about and he still feels the need to watch sluts. What i don't understand is how fucktards with wifes and children can go and jerk off with their wife in the next room. Or better yet leave their families unprotected at night to go fill their needs at a diseased filth ridden cunt bar.

I am not going to lie, my angers and frustations to men and their general obsession with porn does not just come from porn and men in themselves. Of course there is a past "trauma" as some would like to call it. Involving my father, making me turn my head as he masturbated within five feet of me to a nude sex scene in a movie. Thats where my hatred grew and fermented until now. I was in a past relationship of five years where the guy i loved would watch it. Because of my past I let him know how bad it hurt me. He lied told me he stopped but then later i would find out about the countless lies. When we fought he would purposely post pictures of nude sluts on the internet knowing i would see to hurt me. That is where my insecurities started growing with the all mighty porn.

It has now become a topic and more of an obsession of hatred toward porn. It is now something I don't wish to change. Its something i dont wish to work through. Its something that i wish would just fucking be banned from earth and destroyed along with every fucking leech that would choose a fantasy bitch that he could never have and leave his wife crying. And his children yearning for a father because of a destroyed marriage over porn.

I hate the fact that now I can not take my daughter through out her own city in fear of what a three year old will see laying on the ground. Or better yet what she will see when a giant fifteen foot billboard attached to a truck goes by with these diseased ridden filthy sluts half nude. Can't walk in my town without a row of fifteen mexicans with a twenty foot gap before the next fifteen slap and antagonize you to take one of their cards with nude women on them.


Porn isn't something that is little for me.Its not something that is just there for an aid to get off too. When it involves men it is much more for me. It might as well be a drug in my eyes. An obsession for most guys. I go online and read all these women who write tear filled blogs about how their husbands don't respect their feelings on porn and continue to watch it behind their back. How they threaten their husbands with divorce and the husband continues on. Ive seen and heard of way too many families diminishing into dust because of porn. Way to many little kids are getting more and more sexual at a tender age because of porn being so very easily acessible on the internet.

If i hated porn before my daughter was born. I despise it now. The hostility i feel towards it is not something that is easing over time. Just growing deeper and deeper as it seems to affect me more and more. I have tried to tame it a few times.Its just something that I can't control. It is no longer becoming something of a disagreement with. But more my morals and what i believe is corrupting certain situations and what i believe is just another small of piece of why this world is going to hell.

I don't know really what the point of this blog was. Maybe to just get some frustration and anger out. Or to hopefully get someone who might come across this and read it and relate. Because besides blogs online i really feel like i am the only one in my life who sees where i am coming from. I know there is nothing i can do to stop the porn industry and i know there is nothing that i can do to sheild other children away from it. Just my daughter.

The world is getting more and more corrupt everyday. Sex being so free and running ramp in movies and televisions and billboards and songs is just another tiny flame behind the mass inferno. But this isjust my opinion.

Fuck porn. Fuck men who can't put their loved ones first. Fuck the people who feed off of children for porn. Fuck everything.

A lil bit hurt, a lot of nostagalistic memories, even more so rejuvenated.

Ahhh the good old subject of change. Many people view change as something positive and I know many more people who are terrified of the matter of change. It really depends on your past expierences. But for me change is a good thing however its a very terrifying one as well. So many negative things have happened to me when a major thing in my life has changed, but so many more positives ones have happened as well. What I am going through right now has to be the biggest change I have ever expierenced. let alone the fact that it is all happening because of me. I made the choice to make it change, now I have to live with it.

5 years is how long it took me to finally take this giant step. Finally a single mom without the father around, finally sleeping with no one to protect me, finally facing my fears. The problem is it is a very tough situation for me, the fact that my daughter is not as oblivious as I would like her to be makes a roug h situation almost unbearable. The fact that she sits on the stairs and tucks her knees into her chest and whines about not talking to her dad. The fact that a stranger knocks on the door and she runs to it thinking its her father. The fact that lance talks to her on the phone and tells her when he gets back hes going to take her outside and she starts crying. All of those things makes it so difficult for me to carry through with the change. But i know that it has only been a matter of four days and things are always rough in the beggining. But i think this change had to be the best one i took a step for.

Though there are negative things about this change. There are also positive. .. Speaking of positive I just got a beautiful three year old little girl asking to take her to the park. So i am going to go to the park and finish this later.

Insecurities get the best of me, then you all get the rest of me.

Here we go again with another blog, I don't remember how many this makes recently. I just feel the need to write, write, write. Keep my mind off of reality. Write. Write. Write. it is all my brain speaks to me. It's the one thing keeping me sane right now. I am an emotional wreck.

CUTTING my patience with a serated knife.

A human has a limit of how much they can take. Both physically and mentally, there is a blurred line. Everyone has their own limit, no one can dictate where each persons line will fall. The past year I have known that I was approaching my line but it wasn't defined enough to where I could tell where it was going to be. I told everyone I was about to breache the forbidden snapping line. No one really believed me, I could feel it coming. Everyone always has known me as a person with serious anger problems. Never have I taken any shit. But it turns out in the end I pretty much might of swallowed the shit on a plastic spoon. I fooled myself into thinking I was strong that I was not taking any shit, that I had the upper hand. But in reality I was losing a never ending battle.


I remember, when I was in high school sitting on the "pillow couch" in my dads disgusting smoked filled apartment I had just got done being the care taker of the day again. Made sure everyone was alive. Made dinner, did the dishes. Made sure the laundry was clean, everyone was safely tucked away in the drug addicted slumber and I was watching t.v with my father. Of course we were watching what he deemed neccesary, which I believe was 60 minutes or dateline. Some hour long news show. They were specializing on cutting. Kids who do it, parents who have children who do it, the cycle. I remember thinking back then, how the fuck could these kids do this to themselves. Here I was being abused everyday and I had the will to survive. I lived for the days i would be allowed on the basketball courts, to the point i would play in 115 degree heat just for a moment of freedom. I will never forget the girls that were on that show, and the thought that went through my mind. The first time I ever heard or was tought about cutting.


Years went by and i was now 17 and pregnant. Living in bronx, NY. With a family that was not my own. One who hated my existance. I was in love with someone who treated me like shit, cheated and lied everyday.I was more mature than most people I knew, whether it was adults or fellow teenage piers and I had the IQ to match. I was writing resumes for people in bronx, because I was smarter than them. Yet even with my high intellect. I was not smart enough to leave a situation that was destroying my sole core in life. 17 and pregnant, that was the first time a man ever put his hands on me. 17 and pregnant that's the first time I ever cut. After a man that I loved more than anyone in the world and put his hands on me and kicked me in the stomach and choked me. I decided to hurt myself, if i hurt myself maybe it would be a defense. I took a broken piece of a cd that I snapped and took it my arm. Just a scratch. It got a reaction out of him, thats what i planned to happen. What i didnt plan to happen was the relief i got emotionally from it. Slowly the cutting was every once in a while, turned into a daily thing. it got the point of broken cds, to scissors, to kitchen knives, to razor blades. I will never forget the worse cutting I did. It was back in my house, I had a box cutter from when I was working as an overnight stocker. I took it to my legs. With one slice my leg was cut wide open, a few more slices and i had bad wounds all over my legs. The first scared me with the fact there was no pain and it opened up like a cut orange, but i couldnt stop. I continued taking the blade to my legs until all was said and done I could finally stoped. I ended up counting my wounds later. After both legs were tallied up, I had over 150 cuts. Too scared to go to the hospital I wrapped my legs in ace bandange and hoped no infections would come.


A few months later, I remember praying to god asking if he was real to let my legs heal. I couldn't wear shorts or a skirt ever again if they didn't heal. Prayed to god back in a new york bathroom. I woke up and my legs were still scared. Four years later, though most of my scars are healed. I still have the worst ones. There are about five scars that im sure will never fade.
I was cutting, after i gave birth as well. After i got arrested and felt like I failed as a mother. I was cheated on and hit. I resorted back to cutting. It went through until finally it snapped one day my daughter will ask me what my scars where from. And i did not want her having to see more than was already there. I stopped cutting with help from a homie.


I tell all this story in direct relevance with a humans limits. Even though I don't cut anymore. It doesn' change the fact when im upset or angry. I sit there with a knife in my hand like a recovering alcoholic with a bottle of alcohol. Debating the pros and cons. I feel I am at my limit again. But with a more mature mind and a will to change my future, I am not sitting here with a knife in my hand but instead a laptop on my bed with someone i love on the phone. Trying to keep my cool and calm, but nothing takes that thought of physical pain out of my head. I never thought of myself as an addict but after writing this and really putting my emotions in words. Im starting to believe i was addicted to phycial pain. It released me from reality, when reality was a place i didnt want to be.


Im determined to keep my head in a place where reality is a place, I not only want to be but desire to be. I want to continue on loving life instead of dreading it. It starts with one step at a time. But I think now is a good time to start making that turn for the better. It starts the 19th.

Guilty As Charged.

There are a ton of things so far in my life that I have been accused of. There are so many more than in reality I should be, but no one knows it. I keep it secret, hidden. My weak side. I'm writing this blog to let you know everything I am guilty of, in other words who I truely am.


I am shattered, depressed yet happy, suicidal yet live for life, a little bipolar but completly sane. Very insecure however won't show it unless your close to me, very weak with a supossed tough outer shell, with abandonment issues I stay close to those i love. Very loyal yet I don't trust myself. Try to be honest as much as possible, yet I lie to myself everyday. I want way more in life yet I don't make a move to reach my goal. Take pride in my intellect yet I feel stupid in the worst way ninety percent of the time. Don't let anyone close to me yet wishes someone can break through to me. Don't need anyone, yet want's everyone. Loves hard but distrusts harder. Can't remember my childhood but my heart does. Try to be as calm as possible and even when im not angry i get violent images. Very creative and expressive however my work doesn't ever live up to my own standards. I excel at everything I try most of the time yet i feel like a failure all the time. I tell people I feel whole yet im a shell, empty with nothing filling it. I have to have something to look foward to otherwise there is no reason for me to wake up. I am the same person but everyone has a different opinion and take on who I am. For i don't show all sides to one person and i dont show the same sides to every person.


In other words... I don't know who I am. I don't know what im guilty of. I don't know who is right when they i am a certain way and who is wrong in their assumption.


ONE DAY I WILL GAIN A CONTROL AND FIGURE OUT WHO I AM.

New Blogs For A New Start.

Where to start this blog. That has always has been the hardest point in all my writings, the infamous question. Where to start? This blog probably has to be one of the most important due to the fact that I am at a point in my life, where writing is no longer a choice but a need. A place in my life where I am slowly stumbling my way to the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel of life, a life of no longer being so deeply sadened,betrayed,abused and angry. A fork in the road of battery. Now which path do I take. Either route it has to be a road of happiness and healing. Right? Let's hope.


Where am I at in my life? Let's see. Im 21 about to be 22 here in a few weeks. I feel I should be alot farther in my life in more than one aspect. I have a beautiful little girl who I adore more than anything or anyone. She is a light in my life than can not be suffocated and dimmed. The one thing despite everything against me, that keeps me putting one step infront of the other. I have a steady job, that i succeed in and do very well in. It pays good. Yet im not satifisied with it. I am currently single after being in a relationship of 5 years. Which I am happy about, however I deal with the turbulent emotions of having to heal myself from the damage someone else did to me. Another one step foot at a time situation.


I walk away from the past relationship, with positive and negative affects. I walk away with my beautiful little girl. The best gift in the world. I also walk away with a better understanding of what I want in a relationship. I walk away feeling stronger in the fact that I finally had the strength to leave and call it quits. In the opposite side I walk away with both physical and emotional scars. I walk away with the worst insecurities than I have ever had to deal with.
I walk away battered and beaten emotionally and drained. On the verge of giving up and scared of going far with anyone due to the possible outcome of the future. With both polar opposites one thing remains true. I walked away, now the hardest of it all, to not look back, to not regret, to learn and move foward.


I am lucky enouh to have someone walk into my life as I was walking away. Someone who has caught me completely off guard and is slowly pulling each piece of armor off me and making me feel secure, loved and making me believe someone can be different. As we are taking it slow, my feelings aren't. I am becoming completely and utterly head over heals for him. He is a truely amazing person. The fact that I feel loved, trusted, loyalty, honesty, secure, and protected and we aren't together is a very powerful and beautiful thing. It is a complicated situation between me and him. Most people don't understand why we aren't together yet tell each other that we love one another. We both have been hurt in the past. We both want to make sure this is what we truely want before taking the step to be with each other. The fact that can we take things slow with no rush, the fact that we can plan shit out. Is something I have been wanting for a long time. Thats how I am most comfortable. Im extremely thankful for the relationship me and him do have as of right now. Yet, can't wait to see the relationship of us in the future. When i think about the future with me and him I see strength, longevity, honesty, loyalty, LOVE, and it being incredibly bright. I am glad to take a slow walk into that light. It will be well worth it later.



I have some ideas on how to get where I wanted to be. I have big dreams, hopes and wants. I want to go back to school full time. I want to get a degree, but for what is the question now. I have so many things that could satisify me which one to choose. I want to be the best mother a daughter could ask for. I want to change myself to fit my daughters life. I want to be an incredible wife one day. I want to be truely happy. I want to travel the world. I want to help people in some form. I want to leave this world making it a better place than how I arrived to it. Even if its just in one person's life. I want to be remembered for positive things. I want to live up to what I know I can be. I want to make sure my mother is taking care of. How do I reach all of that?



...... ONE STEP AT A TIME......