My past pt 1.

I have been writing songs so much that I forgot about my poetry. So I am working on a continued project of my past. Hopefully it gives those of you who know me a little bit more information on me. Please don't take anything I say hypothetical, everything I say is literal. There is no warping things.


Im gonna tell everyone what they dont know about me.
ill start off with the fact that my memory
doesnt go before the age of 13.
my childhood, I can't remember a thing
and please take that literally
and with that being said theres some controversy
what its about what happened to me.
but fuck it im going to lay it all on the line
I was abused, which is why in due time
youll find, that im not a typical kind
of girl, who sits with her finger in a twirl
around her hair, whos acts like theres no cares
i have a deeper mind, than most.
i shut down and disconnect with no goodbye toast
i have my issues, yeah i have my past
the worst fucked up father you would ever look at
hes a con artist, takes peoples life savings
acting like a pastor, except theirs no praying
hes has a direct ticket to hell, to burn in the flames
and yes in high school, i lost everything i gained.
i literally had to start with the clothes on my back
thank god my mother, was able to put me back on track
i walked out of the house, barely escaping arrest
ask anyone in my life and they can attest
you might think im over exagerating, most do.
infact i haven't even told you a quarter what ive been through
ive been beaten down hallways,
locked in a house for years, months and days.
14 years old, and i had to brave
a dad who was fucking mentally insane.
locked my clothes in a closet to where i couldnt get them
wore the same things for a year straight, barely fit in em
he had warrants out in every state, i had to sit there and lie so he could escape
ill bring it back to the fact that I was abused
and tell you the exact kind of abuse that i went through
yes physical and emotional, yeah ive hit on it.
sexual abuse, i don't want to know my mind is hidden on it.
there is no difinitive answer
so it eats at me like its physical cancer
I try to move on, try to notch it as disregard
but i cant thats why im left with my walls and guard
People think that I am hard or a bitch
but in reality im so sensitive I can't stand it
alot of you put doubt in me, because they are used to liars
when infact i am one of the most honest person you will ever meet
im loyal and tell you what i feel and what I mean.

So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

This question has always been one for me that I would just make up on the spot. Mainly because I never have been looking forward to the future. It has always been something in my mind that was the kind of situation of "wherever life takes me". Now being 23 years old with a daughter who is about to be 5, I am looking forward to the tomorrow more and more. So I am going to break down where I see myself in five years.


Five years from today I see myself either done with college or near completion to a degree with hopefully something involved in computers.

Five years I see my little girl being 10 years old and being a very active, happy and smart little girl.

In five years I see me engaged if not married with our own home and me possibly having my second child.

In five years I hope to be happy and healthy.

I just hope I can see five years from today.

Round About.

Stuck in a round about..
with no lanes coming out
stuck in the same damn circle of life
can’t seem to step out side and make shit right
don’t know who my opponent is in this fight
seems likes its myself, when im alone at night
cant seem to release this suffocation that’s too tight
im stuck alone in my own mind, my vice
the fear of walking of a path alone
that just keeps me stuck in this home
probably be here until im just bones
my past decisions leave me cold as stone
from the expierence of having shit go wrong
so I leave my emotions in poems and songs
thats why all my writings go back and forth like ping pong
one minute ill write of the joys of life
the next minute ill be writing about suicide
and ending this 23 year old ride
but that’s just me, and the emotions I feel
and if I didn’t express them then it wouldn’t be real
and for my friends and family id kill
but at the same time, my sanity they steal
had a rough child hood, been abused
but it’s the past just something I had to get through
and I cant sit here using that as an excuse
despite the possibility of it being the truth
im here taking one day at a time.
Until I know for sure what I want in my mind.

Off of a cliff

What happens when the one person you trust the most to never hurt you, crushes you? The one person that takes you from the edge of the cliff daily, pushes you over? What is left? What are you left to do except dig your finger nails into the edge of the cliff and use your own strength to try and pull yourself up. Then that person that pushed you over the cliff grabs your hand to help you back up. It was a mistake they say, they want to help you back up to safe and solid ground. So you grab their hand but what happens if their hand slips from yours? What if their strength isn't enough to pick you back up? Then where are you left? Slowly falling...until you meet your own demise.

What happens if that person that pushed you off the edge, picks you back up. Then they want you stand on the edge again and expect them not to push you off again. Supposed to put your whole faith into the person that just did you in. Would you be able to? Or would you just run as far away from the edge as you could.

That's what I feel now. The one person I thought that wouldn't hurt me the most. Abandoned me, was there one minute and the next few days disappeared. No matter the hundreds of calls and texts nothing I said could make him call me. Only to find out he had cheated on me. Now that same person wants a second chance. The same person that just pushed me off the cliff now wants me to grab their hand as they try to pull me back up. I have never been so unsure of anything in my life. Holding on to his hand while my feet dangle above sharp cliffs. Is the one who just threw me into danger, going to be the one who saves me? Or will he just let my hand slip?

How am I supposed to ever feel loved and trust anyone again after this? Why can't he see that I might never be the same... That things with us will never be the same. I am scared I will never stop running away from that edge when I am finally pulled up. I don't see me having the strength to stand on that edge again and put trust of him to not push me over.

He states its only been five days, to give it time... does time really heal everything? I am still feeling the pain for things that happened 6-7 years ago. Will I ever be able to feel loved without him showing it 24/7. I don't know. All I know is I am tired of crying and feeling empty inside. God please give me a break from this pain. Let things get easier. Give me the strength to continue on the right path. Please let someone grab my hand and have the strength to pull me up and hold me far away from that edge, until i feel safe enough to walk up to it again and put the blind faith I once had back into standing next to that edge.

Please pick me back up, when you do hold me as far away from that cliff as i need until i feel safe to walk back up to it.. You have my hand, don't let me slip away....

Prescription Pills

There is only so much one person can take
before their heart and soul eventually break
too rough of a life, too much on their plate
situations increasing, they just want to escape
they pray to god for tomorrow to be a better day
next day nothing changes and they wonder why they prayed
they turn to a doctor, they can't do it on their own
prescription pills having their mind blown
better than facing the world alone
they keep swallowing them down
hoping it will turn their emotions around
meanwhile hoping it doesn't take their hearts pound
forget happiness, they are numbness bound
hoping to be dead to the world, at least for now
they are wishing that their people in their life
that say they love them and want to do right
would take into consideration the constant fight
that they struggle with, the demon inside their mind
each passing second, filling their lifes time
with these negative emotions of the worst kind.
they wont shoot up or snort a line
but they will swallow these pills that are prescribed


they keep swallowing them down
they dont care if they kill
looking for a turn around
within these bottles of pills.


Billions of people within this world
not one of them can soothe this girl
only non human can, like the klonopin
xanax,geodon and the wellbutrin.
take a look at her desk there are many more
next to her school books there are pills galore
she feels like she can't live alone
without any one else home
so she takes these pills right to the dome
no more sadness or anger she is stone
thats what she wanted though
no more depression or sorrow
this strength is borrowed
and she will steal it again tomorrow
the best part of her days
are when at home she stays
so drugged up she can't even say
what shes feeling, whats tearing her up inside
now she can look someone straight in the eye
and lie..tell them everything is fine.



she keeps swallowing them down
she doesn't care if they kill.
shes looking for a turn around
within her bottles of pills.


I am so sick of being degraded
all I am left with is hatred
i am six degrees of seperation
from my own happiness and sanity
so these pills are my only stability
it takes away all sense of who i have grown to be
someone who secludes her self, suicidally
as to avoid the hurt and the pain
thats already there, so its all in vain
never to escape it no matter the strain
i put on myself, its destroying my brain
I cant find a way to let go of what was done
its to a point every where i go my pills are brung
i bury myself in lyrics that have already been sung
in hopes to connect with someone, from a far
but i can't so i'm stuck to writing my own bars
it takes away some of these emotions
but not near as much as the motion
of swallowing these pills, that leave me with the notion
that is all that I have left, to force me to stay alive
and survive through these turbulent times.

So I keep swallowing them down.
I dont seem to care if they kill.
I am looking for a turn around
within a bottle of these pills.

The Days of Fast Fattening Meals

The Days Of Fast Fattening Meals

McDonalds, Jack in the box, Taco Bell, Panda Express, Wendys these are all places you can get food fully prepared within 10 minutes without ever leaving your car, at a cheap rate. Why in recent years have we seen such an upsurge in restaurants like this? Why has it become almost daily routine for a lot of people, especially in America? Why have we seen an increase in child obesity and are they connected? I am going to take a look at all the causes that lead into this trend to see where exactly it started, what is at present day and where it can potentially lead us in the future.

In this day and age where we have so much technology to help us in our busy life styles, the days of mothers and fathers working long hours, there are many upon many inventions or places to go to make our lives a little bit easier and quicker. The biggest of all, I think is the up rise of fast food restaurants. After a long busy day at work, picking up the kids, getting them ready for the next day, many people feel they don’t have time to make a home cooked meal and clean up after it. So they turn to fast food, a meal for the family fully prepared with little clean up all done in a matter of ten minutes and under twenty dollars. What has changed in more recent years that has caused there to be a fast food restaurant on every street corner? Well, we all know that times are vastly different but what causes can be attributed to the last 50 years of changes when it comes to meals?



Without consumption of the product, fast food chains would not be there. Millions upon millions of Americans pay their money to get a fast meal. If we suddenly demanded healthier foods and stopped buying into the fast food industry. We would probably see a rapid decline in fast food chains and my guess is the obesity rate would go down as well. However disturbing the rapid climb of fast food chains has become, we have to sit back and analyze why are we allowing this to happen? Why are we allowing family meals to now be limited to a pre- cooked bucket of chicken or a wrapped greasy cheese burger. Why are we not only feeding our children this but ourselves as well? Why has it become more money to buy a head of lettuce than it is to buy a cholesterol and fat ridden burger off of a dollar menu?

Many things can influence the trends of today. However, this isn’t a trend this is now becoming a way of life, instead of it being a once in a while treat. The biggest reason that I can see is that we are the busiest most efficient human beings that there has ever been. With the help of technology we can get more done now, than ever before. So why are we busier? Why do most families not have time to make dinner? A lot can be said about the increasing amount of single parents, which have to work, as well as the fact that it now takes a two income house hold to keep the bills paid. Which in turn is causing a lot of what was stay at home mothers, who had the time to devote to making sure the house was clean and kids well fed, now having to work a nine to five.

Back when fast food was really put on the scene in the mid 1900’s, most families were very old fashioned. The father worked and brought home the money. While the mother stayed at home, took care of the chores, kids and meals. This in turn led to healthier meals and the fast food chain not being as big as it is today. The mothers had the time to devote to making home cooked meals from scratch. However, now that there are many more families now a days, that rarely have a stay at home mom, there is less time to spend with the family and even lesser amount of time to devote to cooking for them.



I have fallen victim to it plenty of times as pretty much most American can say they have. They worked a long shift at work, were rushing to get home, tired from the day, hungry, and didn’t want to cook or clean. Why not stop on one of the fifteen fast food places that you see on your way home from work? Not to mention that, they now have a variety of different types of food. From Mexican, chinese, American and even down south cooking. What has led to both mothers and fathers having to work? What has lead to the increase in single families? At what point, did we turn wrong?

We have come from a place where fast food was new, exciting and a treat. To now being a daily ritual for many families. Which in turn I believe is a huge attribute to the obesity problem in the United States, as well as many health issues. I would love to see the future make a bright turn and the need for fast food is always going to be here, we are never going to take it away. However, what we do need is a solution. How can we make it a positive effect on a negative but necessary situation?

The saddest part about this whole thing for me is the fact it is out of our hands at this point. I don’t know about you but I remember when Oprah got sued for saying she will never eat another burger. There are laws passed that make it legal for them to sue when you state your opinion about them. What happened to freedom of speech? It seems lately that has been taken away from us.

However, we can always fight it. There is power in numbers and as we become a more knowledgable society about what we are putting into our bodies. More and more people or “numbers” will start demanding and forcing change upon those that think they are the powerful ones. In the future, what can be an effect of all of this, both negative and positive? I think we will get to a point that we will learn just how unhealthy fast foods restaurants are and there will be no denying it or battling it any longer.

We can already see the change happening now with places like Wendy’s who offer apples instead of fries or milk instead of soda. I think this was a necessary evil for us to wake up as a society and go back to eating healthy foods. There is a food chart for a reason, which most have forgotten about. I think as we continue on seeing the obesity rates sky rocket and more and more people having heart attacks and numerous other health issues due to the fact of what they put their in body. We will, no actually, we ARE starting to wake up from the blindness of convenience and make this fast food idea work for us. It can be fast foods, but it can also be HEALTHY fast foods.

In conclusion, we have seen the sales of McDoubles, fries and sodas sky rocket from fast food. We have seen the changes in our obesity rate in recent years and they are not coincidence. All of this is caused by the economy to where it now takes two incomes. Also, caused by the fact of how busy we are now more than ever. As well as more single parents than ever before, tackling paying bills and raising children on their own. Just remember, none of this can happen without consumption of these products. We always have the power to demand healthier foods that can be fast and affordable. No longer should we, eat something that doesn’t have the ingredient or nutrient information on its package. Fighting for healthy foods is a way to solve a lot of our health issues and obesity rate issues. It is in the future and that’s the light at the end of my tunnel.

Writings on Behalf of the Insane.

I have been meaning to get around to writing this blog for a while now. I could feel the tension building up inside of my heart and mind. I knew I needed and still do need an outlet for the pent up aggression and feelings, before it started leaking through in my real life relationships. Well because of what has been going on in my life, I never really made time. I can't say I have been busy because I have been exactly the opposite. I have never had so much time in my life, yet I can't get around to do anything besides fight. So with someone who I love, that I never get to see but for ten days every two months, in the other room mad at me, nothing better to do. i am now taking the time, in hopes to maybe easing the strain on my brain, body and soul.



Stress, EVERYONE has it. In one way it's what makes everyone the same. Stress is color blind, doesn't pick and choose based on race, height and weight. Sure we create the stress, we let it do what it does to us. But at the base of stress is your personality. How you handle situations, how your emotions and brain take the information or problem and react to it. I guess we could really train ourselves not to react to it and rewire ourselves. But in order for that to be successful you have to an incredible amount of willpower and strength. Which as of this moment I have not yet have aquired. Whos to say I will? Maybe I will never be able to. Maybe I will be able to focus my mind and be able to accomplish it better in a few months. I don't know, I can't tell the future.


Future I believe is something that the root of stress is based on. It is it's stool. It's pedestal to form and grow. Because if we all lived on the present day we wouldn't worry about the future. Everything from a broken down car, to bills, to relationships. If we didn't think about the future cost of that car repair or how we are going to get it to the shop TOMORROW. If we didn't think about the bills that we don't have the money for, and how WHEN we get our check we will pay it. The FUTURE of the relationships, the jealousy of what actions MIGHT or WILL be of your partner. If we lived in the present and in the moment things would be alot easier. But we have been taught and learned to think about the future. The future is the present of the actions of the past. What you do today will affect tomorrow. Which is why we stress about it. Its a vicious cycle. But one I believe is neccesary.


Right now, I am dealing with ALOT of stress. I thought I would be so happy right now due to the fact that a man i love is here after not seeing him for a little over two months. But, we have been doing nothing but fighting since he has been here. I am not myself because of going through alot of physical pain, the fear of what I will do that will cause me future pain, the fact I got in a car accident the day before he got here so I have to worry about that. I have a doctors appointment in two days to discuss whats wrong with me and possible surgery options. All I have been wanting to do is lay down and relax. Try to ease my stress and future pain and present pain. But its apparent that is not what he wants to do. I get easily irritated because of stress and he reacts easily to it because he takes it personal instead of trying to realize why I am like that even though I have explained it to him. It is a vicious cycle. The whole trip has been ruined because of this cycle. I can't figure out a way to break it. I can say I am not going to be so easily stressed out and not take things so personal. But it always ends up being the other way.


I have been suicidal in the past, it was always a high and low. Always a suicidal because of the situation in the present. But lately I have been expierencing new suicidal thoughts, its not as strong as in the past, and its not based on a current situation. Its not a high or low. Its a low. No highs. Its a CONSTANT thought just lurking in the back of my mind. Which is what scares me the most. Im scared that its not going away, and that it's more of a serious thought process due to the fact I have no positive thoughts mixed in. I swallow it, and push it in the back of my mind, and don't tell anyone while its happening. Scared of being looked at different or shit talked to. Stuck in a rut, feeling alone and helpless.



So much shit going on. I have no idea who to talk to about it. The person I trust the most, I have explained most of the shit besides the current suicidal thoughts and it seems like it doesn't make a differance in the fights between us. It is not his fault, because he does care which is why he takes it personal. But sometimes part of caring is realizing when someone is going through a hard time and being there and not taking shit personal. Realizing its not directly aimed at you. It seems that as a repeat of history.. writing is my only escape...


and its terrifying for me. I don't know what the future will hold. Im scared about surgery, about money, about having a job, about this new relationship im in. My physical body is shit right now constantly in pain. I don't know what to do. I would love to just disappear for a while.


I just wish I could tell someone without feeling judged and without being told "to stop feeling sorry for yourself" "your life is not that bad" "stop with the emo shit". I understand my life is not that bad, that doesn't change how I feel or my thought process... Trust me I have tried to think positive.... Scares the fuck out of me.. I have been dealing with this suicidal shit since 7th grade.. its still here. Im terrified of it winning in the future. Something has to give..

Thank god for my daughter. otherwise I would not be here...


God help me get through this..Im asking.