Ahhh the good old subject of change. Many people view change as something positive and I know many more people who are terrified of the matter of change. It really depends on your past expierences. But for me change is a good thing however its a very terrifying one as well. So many negative things have happened to me when a major thing in my life has changed, but so many more positives ones have happened as well. What I am going through right now has to be the biggest change I have ever expierenced. let alone the fact that it is all happening because of me. I made the choice to make it change, now I have to live with it.
5 years is how long it took me to finally take this giant step. Finally a single mom without the father around, finally sleeping with no one to protect me, finally facing my fears. The problem is it is a very tough situation for me, the fact that my daughter is not as oblivious as I would like her to be makes a roug h situation almost unbearable. The fact that she sits on the stairs and tucks her knees into her chest and whines about not talking to her dad. The fact that a stranger knocks on the door and she runs to it thinking its her father. The fact that lance talks to her on the phone and tells her when he gets back hes going to take her outside and she starts crying. All of those things makes it so difficult for me to carry through with the change. But i know that it has only been a matter of four days and things are always rough in the beggining. But i think this change had to be the best one i took a step for.
Though there are negative things about this change. There are also positive. .. Speaking of positive I just got a beautiful three year old little girl asking to take her to the park. So i am going to go to the park and finish this later.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Insecurities get the best of me, then you all get the rest of me.
Here we go again with another blog, I don't remember how many this makes recently. I just feel the need to write, write, write. Keep my mind off of reality. Write. Write. Write. it is all my brain speaks to me. It's the one thing keeping me sane right now. I am an emotional wreck.
CUTTING my patience with a serated knife.
A human has a limit of how much they can take. Both physically and mentally, there is a blurred line. Everyone has their own limit, no one can dictate where each persons line will fall. The past year I have known that I was approaching my line but it wasn't defined enough to where I could tell where it was going to be. I told everyone I was about to breache the forbidden snapping line. No one really believed me, I could feel it coming. Everyone always has known me as a person with serious anger problems. Never have I taken any shit. But it turns out in the end I pretty much might of swallowed the shit on a plastic spoon. I fooled myself into thinking I was strong that I was not taking any shit, that I had the upper hand. But in reality I was losing a never ending battle.
I remember, when I was in high school sitting on the "pillow couch" in my dads disgusting smoked filled apartment I had just got done being the care taker of the day again. Made sure everyone was alive. Made dinner, did the dishes. Made sure the laundry was clean, everyone was safely tucked away in the drug addicted slumber and I was watching t.v with my father. Of course we were watching what he deemed neccesary, which I believe was 60 minutes or dateline. Some hour long news show. They were specializing on cutting. Kids who do it, parents who have children who do it, the cycle. I remember thinking back then, how the fuck could these kids do this to themselves. Here I was being abused everyday and I had the will to survive. I lived for the days i would be allowed on the basketball courts, to the point i would play in 115 degree heat just for a moment of freedom. I will never forget the girls that were on that show, and the thought that went through my mind. The first time I ever heard or was tought about cutting.
Years went by and i was now 17 and pregnant. Living in bronx, NY. With a family that was not my own. One who hated my existance. I was in love with someone who treated me like shit, cheated and lied everyday.I was more mature than most people I knew, whether it was adults or fellow teenage piers and I had the IQ to match. I was writing resumes for people in bronx, because I was smarter than them. Yet even with my high intellect. I was not smart enough to leave a situation that was destroying my sole core in life. 17 and pregnant, that was the first time a man ever put his hands on me. 17 and pregnant that's the first time I ever cut. After a man that I loved more than anyone in the world and put his hands on me and kicked me in the stomach and choked me. I decided to hurt myself, if i hurt myself maybe it would be a defense. I took a broken piece of a cd that I snapped and took it my arm. Just a scratch. It got a reaction out of him, thats what i planned to happen. What i didnt plan to happen was the relief i got emotionally from it. Slowly the cutting was every once in a while, turned into a daily thing. it got the point of broken cds, to scissors, to kitchen knives, to razor blades. I will never forget the worse cutting I did. It was back in my house, I had a box cutter from when I was working as an overnight stocker. I took it to my legs. With one slice my leg was cut wide open, a few more slices and i had bad wounds all over my legs. The first scared me with the fact there was no pain and it opened up like a cut orange, but i couldnt stop. I continued taking the blade to my legs until all was said and done I could finally stoped. I ended up counting my wounds later. After both legs were tallied up, I had over 150 cuts. Too scared to go to the hospital I wrapped my legs in ace bandange and hoped no infections would come.
A few months later, I remember praying to god asking if he was real to let my legs heal. I couldn't wear shorts or a skirt ever again if they didn't heal. Prayed to god back in a new york bathroom. I woke up and my legs were still scared. Four years later, though most of my scars are healed. I still have the worst ones. There are about five scars that im sure will never fade.
I was cutting, after i gave birth as well. After i got arrested and felt like I failed as a mother. I was cheated on and hit. I resorted back to cutting. It went through until finally it snapped one day my daughter will ask me what my scars where from. And i did not want her having to see more than was already there. I stopped cutting with help from a homie.
I tell all this story in direct relevance with a humans limits. Even though I don't cut anymore. It doesn' change the fact when im upset or angry. I sit there with a knife in my hand like a recovering alcoholic with a bottle of alcohol. Debating the pros and cons. I feel I am at my limit again. But with a more mature mind and a will to change my future, I am not sitting here with a knife in my hand but instead a laptop on my bed with someone i love on the phone. Trying to keep my cool and calm, but nothing takes that thought of physical pain out of my head. I never thought of myself as an addict but after writing this and really putting my emotions in words. Im starting to believe i was addicted to phycial pain. It released me from reality, when reality was a place i didnt want to be.
Im determined to keep my head in a place where reality is a place, I not only want to be but desire to be. I want to continue on loving life instead of dreading it. It starts with one step at a time. But I think now is a good time to start making that turn for the better. It starts the 19th.
I remember, when I was in high school sitting on the "pillow couch" in my dads disgusting smoked filled apartment I had just got done being the care taker of the day again. Made sure everyone was alive. Made dinner, did the dishes. Made sure the laundry was clean, everyone was safely tucked away in the drug addicted slumber and I was watching t.v with my father. Of course we were watching what he deemed neccesary, which I believe was 60 minutes or dateline. Some hour long news show. They were specializing on cutting. Kids who do it, parents who have children who do it, the cycle. I remember thinking back then, how the fuck could these kids do this to themselves. Here I was being abused everyday and I had the will to survive. I lived for the days i would be allowed on the basketball courts, to the point i would play in 115 degree heat just for a moment of freedom. I will never forget the girls that were on that show, and the thought that went through my mind. The first time I ever heard or was tought about cutting.
Years went by and i was now 17 and pregnant. Living in bronx, NY. With a family that was not my own. One who hated my existance. I was in love with someone who treated me like shit, cheated and lied everyday.I was more mature than most people I knew, whether it was adults or fellow teenage piers and I had the IQ to match. I was writing resumes for people in bronx, because I was smarter than them. Yet even with my high intellect. I was not smart enough to leave a situation that was destroying my sole core in life. 17 and pregnant, that was the first time a man ever put his hands on me. 17 and pregnant that's the first time I ever cut. After a man that I loved more than anyone in the world and put his hands on me and kicked me in the stomach and choked me. I decided to hurt myself, if i hurt myself maybe it would be a defense. I took a broken piece of a cd that I snapped and took it my arm. Just a scratch. It got a reaction out of him, thats what i planned to happen. What i didnt plan to happen was the relief i got emotionally from it. Slowly the cutting was every once in a while, turned into a daily thing. it got the point of broken cds, to scissors, to kitchen knives, to razor blades. I will never forget the worse cutting I did. It was back in my house, I had a box cutter from when I was working as an overnight stocker. I took it to my legs. With one slice my leg was cut wide open, a few more slices and i had bad wounds all over my legs. The first scared me with the fact there was no pain and it opened up like a cut orange, but i couldnt stop. I continued taking the blade to my legs until all was said and done I could finally stoped. I ended up counting my wounds later. After both legs were tallied up, I had over 150 cuts. Too scared to go to the hospital I wrapped my legs in ace bandange and hoped no infections would come.
A few months later, I remember praying to god asking if he was real to let my legs heal. I couldn't wear shorts or a skirt ever again if they didn't heal. Prayed to god back in a new york bathroom. I woke up and my legs were still scared. Four years later, though most of my scars are healed. I still have the worst ones. There are about five scars that im sure will never fade.
I was cutting, after i gave birth as well. After i got arrested and felt like I failed as a mother. I was cheated on and hit. I resorted back to cutting. It went through until finally it snapped one day my daughter will ask me what my scars where from. And i did not want her having to see more than was already there. I stopped cutting with help from a homie.
I tell all this story in direct relevance with a humans limits. Even though I don't cut anymore. It doesn' change the fact when im upset or angry. I sit there with a knife in my hand like a recovering alcoholic with a bottle of alcohol. Debating the pros and cons. I feel I am at my limit again. But with a more mature mind and a will to change my future, I am not sitting here with a knife in my hand but instead a laptop on my bed with someone i love on the phone. Trying to keep my cool and calm, but nothing takes that thought of physical pain out of my head. I never thought of myself as an addict but after writing this and really putting my emotions in words. Im starting to believe i was addicted to phycial pain. It released me from reality, when reality was a place i didnt want to be.
Im determined to keep my head in a place where reality is a place, I not only want to be but desire to be. I want to continue on loving life instead of dreading it. It starts with one step at a time. But I think now is a good time to start making that turn for the better. It starts the 19th.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Guilty As Charged.
There are a ton of things so far in my life that I have been accused of. There are so many more than in reality I should be, but no one knows it. I keep it secret, hidden. My weak side. I'm writing this blog to let you know everything I am guilty of, in other words who I truely am.
I am shattered, depressed yet happy, suicidal yet live for life, a little bipolar but completly sane. Very insecure however won't show it unless your close to me, very weak with a supossed tough outer shell, with abandonment issues I stay close to those i love. Very loyal yet I don't trust myself. Try to be honest as much as possible, yet I lie to myself everyday. I want way more in life yet I don't make a move to reach my goal. Take pride in my intellect yet I feel stupid in the worst way ninety percent of the time. Don't let anyone close to me yet wishes someone can break through to me. Don't need anyone, yet want's everyone. Loves hard but distrusts harder. Can't remember my childhood but my heart does. Try to be as calm as possible and even when im not angry i get violent images. Very creative and expressive however my work doesn't ever live up to my own standards. I excel at everything I try most of the time yet i feel like a failure all the time. I tell people I feel whole yet im a shell, empty with nothing filling it. I have to have something to look foward to otherwise there is no reason for me to wake up. I am the same person but everyone has a different opinion and take on who I am. For i don't show all sides to one person and i dont show the same sides to every person.
In other words... I don't know who I am. I don't know what im guilty of. I don't know who is right when they i am a certain way and who is wrong in their assumption.
ONE DAY I WILL GAIN A CONTROL AND FIGURE OUT WHO I AM.
I am shattered, depressed yet happy, suicidal yet live for life, a little bipolar but completly sane. Very insecure however won't show it unless your close to me, very weak with a supossed tough outer shell, with abandonment issues I stay close to those i love. Very loyal yet I don't trust myself. Try to be honest as much as possible, yet I lie to myself everyday. I want way more in life yet I don't make a move to reach my goal. Take pride in my intellect yet I feel stupid in the worst way ninety percent of the time. Don't let anyone close to me yet wishes someone can break through to me. Don't need anyone, yet want's everyone. Loves hard but distrusts harder. Can't remember my childhood but my heart does. Try to be as calm as possible and even when im not angry i get violent images. Very creative and expressive however my work doesn't ever live up to my own standards. I excel at everything I try most of the time yet i feel like a failure all the time. I tell people I feel whole yet im a shell, empty with nothing filling it. I have to have something to look foward to otherwise there is no reason for me to wake up. I am the same person but everyone has a different opinion and take on who I am. For i don't show all sides to one person and i dont show the same sides to every person.
In other words... I don't know who I am. I don't know what im guilty of. I don't know who is right when they i am a certain way and who is wrong in their assumption.
ONE DAY I WILL GAIN A CONTROL AND FIGURE OUT WHO I AM.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
New Blogs For A New Start.
Where to start this blog. That has always has been the hardest point in all my writings, the infamous question. Where to start? This blog probably has to be one of the most important due to the fact that I am at a point in my life, where writing is no longer a choice but a need. A place in my life where I am slowly stumbling my way to the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel of life, a life of no longer being so deeply sadened,betrayed,abused and angry. A fork in the road of battery. Now which path do I take. Either route it has to be a road of happiness and healing. Right? Let's hope.
Where am I at in my life? Let's see. Im 21 about to be 22 here in a few weeks. I feel I should be alot farther in my life in more than one aspect. I have a beautiful little girl who I adore more than anything or anyone. She is a light in my life than can not be suffocated and dimmed. The one thing despite everything against me, that keeps me putting one step infront of the other. I have a steady job, that i succeed in and do very well in. It pays good. Yet im not satifisied with it. I am currently single after being in a relationship of 5 years. Which I am happy about, however I deal with the turbulent emotions of having to heal myself from the damage someone else did to me. Another one step foot at a time situation.
I walk away from the past relationship, with positive and negative affects. I walk away with my beautiful little girl. The best gift in the world. I also walk away with a better understanding of what I want in a relationship. I walk away feeling stronger in the fact that I finally had the strength to leave and call it quits. In the opposite side I walk away with both physical and emotional scars. I walk away with the worst insecurities than I have ever had to deal with.
I walk away battered and beaten emotionally and drained. On the verge of giving up and scared of going far with anyone due to the possible outcome of the future. With both polar opposites one thing remains true. I walked away, now the hardest of it all, to not look back, to not regret, to learn and move foward.
I am lucky enouh to have someone walk into my life as I was walking away. Someone who has caught me completely off guard and is slowly pulling each piece of armor off me and making me feel secure, loved and making me believe someone can be different. As we are taking it slow, my feelings aren't. I am becoming completely and utterly head over heals for him. He is a truely amazing person. The fact that I feel loved, trusted, loyalty, honesty, secure, and protected and we aren't together is a very powerful and beautiful thing. It is a complicated situation between me and him. Most people don't understand why we aren't together yet tell each other that we love one another. We both have been hurt in the past. We both want to make sure this is what we truely want before taking the step to be with each other. The fact that can we take things slow with no rush, the fact that we can plan shit out. Is something I have been wanting for a long time. Thats how I am most comfortable. Im extremely thankful for the relationship me and him do have as of right now. Yet, can't wait to see the relationship of us in the future. When i think about the future with me and him I see strength, longevity, honesty, loyalty, LOVE, and it being incredibly bright. I am glad to take a slow walk into that light. It will be well worth it later.
I have some ideas on how to get where I wanted to be. I have big dreams, hopes and wants. I want to go back to school full time. I want to get a degree, but for what is the question now. I have so many things that could satisify me which one to choose. I want to be the best mother a daughter could ask for. I want to change myself to fit my daughters life. I want to be an incredible wife one day. I want to be truely happy. I want to travel the world. I want to help people in some form. I want to leave this world making it a better place than how I arrived to it. Even if its just in one person's life. I want to be remembered for positive things. I want to live up to what I know I can be. I want to make sure my mother is taking care of. How do I reach all of that?
...... ONE STEP AT A TIME......
Where am I at in my life? Let's see. Im 21 about to be 22 here in a few weeks. I feel I should be alot farther in my life in more than one aspect. I have a beautiful little girl who I adore more than anything or anyone. She is a light in my life than can not be suffocated and dimmed. The one thing despite everything against me, that keeps me putting one step infront of the other. I have a steady job, that i succeed in and do very well in. It pays good. Yet im not satifisied with it. I am currently single after being in a relationship of 5 years. Which I am happy about, however I deal with the turbulent emotions of having to heal myself from the damage someone else did to me. Another one step foot at a time situation.
I walk away from the past relationship, with positive and negative affects. I walk away with my beautiful little girl. The best gift in the world. I also walk away with a better understanding of what I want in a relationship. I walk away feeling stronger in the fact that I finally had the strength to leave and call it quits. In the opposite side I walk away with both physical and emotional scars. I walk away with the worst insecurities than I have ever had to deal with.
I walk away battered and beaten emotionally and drained. On the verge of giving up and scared of going far with anyone due to the possible outcome of the future. With both polar opposites one thing remains true. I walked away, now the hardest of it all, to not look back, to not regret, to learn and move foward.
I am lucky enouh to have someone walk into my life as I was walking away. Someone who has caught me completely off guard and is slowly pulling each piece of armor off me and making me feel secure, loved and making me believe someone can be different. As we are taking it slow, my feelings aren't. I am becoming completely and utterly head over heals for him. He is a truely amazing person. The fact that I feel loved, trusted, loyalty, honesty, secure, and protected and we aren't together is a very powerful and beautiful thing. It is a complicated situation between me and him. Most people don't understand why we aren't together yet tell each other that we love one another. We both have been hurt in the past. We both want to make sure this is what we truely want before taking the step to be with each other. The fact that can we take things slow with no rush, the fact that we can plan shit out. Is something I have been wanting for a long time. Thats how I am most comfortable. Im extremely thankful for the relationship me and him do have as of right now. Yet, can't wait to see the relationship of us in the future. When i think about the future with me and him I see strength, longevity, honesty, loyalty, LOVE, and it being incredibly bright. I am glad to take a slow walk into that light. It will be well worth it later.
I have some ideas on how to get where I wanted to be. I have big dreams, hopes and wants. I want to go back to school full time. I want to get a degree, but for what is the question now. I have so many things that could satisify me which one to choose. I want to be the best mother a daughter could ask for. I want to change myself to fit my daughters life. I want to be an incredible wife one day. I want to be truely happy. I want to travel the world. I want to help people in some form. I want to leave this world making it a better place than how I arrived to it. Even if its just in one person's life. I want to be remembered for positive things. I want to live up to what I know I can be. I want to make sure my mother is taking care of. How do I reach all of that?
...... ONE STEP AT A TIME......
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