Where to start this blog. That has always has been the hardest point in all my writings, the infamous question. Where to start? This blog probably has to be one of the most important due to the fact that I am at a point in my life, where writing is no longer a choice but a need. A place in my life where I am slowly stumbling my way to the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel of life, a life of no longer being so deeply sadened,betrayed,abused and angry. A fork in the road of battery. Now which path do I take. Either route it has to be a road of happiness and healing. Right? Let's hope.
Where am I at in my life? Let's see. Im 21 about to be 22 here in a few weeks. I feel I should be alot farther in my life in more than one aspect. I have a beautiful little girl who I adore more than anything or anyone. She is a light in my life than can not be suffocated and dimmed. The one thing despite everything against me, that keeps me putting one step infront of the other. I have a steady job, that i succeed in and do very well in. It pays good. Yet im not satifisied with it. I am currently single after being in a relationship of 5 years. Which I am happy about, however I deal with the turbulent emotions of having to heal myself from the damage someone else did to me. Another one step foot at a time situation.
I walk away from the past relationship, with positive and negative affects. I walk away with my beautiful little girl. The best gift in the world. I also walk away with a better understanding of what I want in a relationship. I walk away feeling stronger in the fact that I finally had the strength to leave and call it quits. In the opposite side I walk away with both physical and emotional scars. I walk away with the worst insecurities than I have ever had to deal with.
I walk away battered and beaten emotionally and drained. On the verge of giving up and scared of going far with anyone due to the possible outcome of the future. With both polar opposites one thing remains true. I walked away, now the hardest of it all, to not look back, to not regret, to learn and move foward.
I am lucky enouh to have someone walk into my life as I was walking away. Someone who has caught me completely off guard and is slowly pulling each piece of armor off me and making me feel secure, loved and making me believe someone can be different. As we are taking it slow, my feelings aren't. I am becoming completely and utterly head over heals for him. He is a truely amazing person. The fact that I feel loved, trusted, loyalty, honesty, secure, and protected and we aren't together is a very powerful and beautiful thing. It is a complicated situation between me and him. Most people don't understand why we aren't together yet tell each other that we love one another. We both have been hurt in the past. We both want to make sure this is what we truely want before taking the step to be with each other. The fact that can we take things slow with no rush, the fact that we can plan shit out. Is something I have been wanting for a long time. Thats how I am most comfortable. Im extremely thankful for the relationship me and him do have as of right now. Yet, can't wait to see the relationship of us in the future. When i think about the future with me and him I see strength, longevity, honesty, loyalty, LOVE, and it being incredibly bright. I am glad to take a slow walk into that light. It will be well worth it later.
I have some ideas on how to get where I wanted to be. I have big dreams, hopes and wants. I want to go back to school full time. I want to get a degree, but for what is the question now. I have so many things that could satisify me which one to choose. I want to be the best mother a daughter could ask for. I want to change myself to fit my daughters life. I want to be an incredible wife one day. I want to be truely happy. I want to travel the world. I want to help people in some form. I want to leave this world making it a better place than how I arrived to it. Even if its just in one person's life. I want to be remembered for positive things. I want to live up to what I know I can be. I want to make sure my mother is taking care of. How do I reach all of that?
...... ONE STEP AT A TIME......
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment