Writings on Behalf of the Insane.

I have been meaning to get around to writing this blog for a while now. I could feel the tension building up inside of my heart and mind. I knew I needed and still do need an outlet for the pent up aggression and feelings, before it started leaking through in my real life relationships. Well because of what has been going on in my life, I never really made time. I can't say I have been busy because I have been exactly the opposite. I have never had so much time in my life, yet I can't get around to do anything besides fight. So with someone who I love, that I never get to see but for ten days every two months, in the other room mad at me, nothing better to do. i am now taking the time, in hopes to maybe easing the strain on my brain, body and soul.



Stress, EVERYONE has it. In one way it's what makes everyone the same. Stress is color blind, doesn't pick and choose based on race, height and weight. Sure we create the stress, we let it do what it does to us. But at the base of stress is your personality. How you handle situations, how your emotions and brain take the information or problem and react to it. I guess we could really train ourselves not to react to it and rewire ourselves. But in order for that to be successful you have to an incredible amount of willpower and strength. Which as of this moment I have not yet have aquired. Whos to say I will? Maybe I will never be able to. Maybe I will be able to focus my mind and be able to accomplish it better in a few months. I don't know, I can't tell the future.


Future I believe is something that the root of stress is based on. It is it's stool. It's pedestal to form and grow. Because if we all lived on the present day we wouldn't worry about the future. Everything from a broken down car, to bills, to relationships. If we didn't think about the future cost of that car repair or how we are going to get it to the shop TOMORROW. If we didn't think about the bills that we don't have the money for, and how WHEN we get our check we will pay it. The FUTURE of the relationships, the jealousy of what actions MIGHT or WILL be of your partner. If we lived in the present and in the moment things would be alot easier. But we have been taught and learned to think about the future. The future is the present of the actions of the past. What you do today will affect tomorrow. Which is why we stress about it. Its a vicious cycle. But one I believe is neccesary.


Right now, I am dealing with ALOT of stress. I thought I would be so happy right now due to the fact that a man i love is here after not seeing him for a little over two months. But, we have been doing nothing but fighting since he has been here. I am not myself because of going through alot of physical pain, the fear of what I will do that will cause me future pain, the fact I got in a car accident the day before he got here so I have to worry about that. I have a doctors appointment in two days to discuss whats wrong with me and possible surgery options. All I have been wanting to do is lay down and relax. Try to ease my stress and future pain and present pain. But its apparent that is not what he wants to do. I get easily irritated because of stress and he reacts easily to it because he takes it personal instead of trying to realize why I am like that even though I have explained it to him. It is a vicious cycle. The whole trip has been ruined because of this cycle. I can't figure out a way to break it. I can say I am not going to be so easily stressed out and not take things so personal. But it always ends up being the other way.


I have been suicidal in the past, it was always a high and low. Always a suicidal because of the situation in the present. But lately I have been expierencing new suicidal thoughts, its not as strong as in the past, and its not based on a current situation. Its not a high or low. Its a low. No highs. Its a CONSTANT thought just lurking in the back of my mind. Which is what scares me the most. Im scared that its not going away, and that it's more of a serious thought process due to the fact I have no positive thoughts mixed in. I swallow it, and push it in the back of my mind, and don't tell anyone while its happening. Scared of being looked at different or shit talked to. Stuck in a rut, feeling alone and helpless.



So much shit going on. I have no idea who to talk to about it. The person I trust the most, I have explained most of the shit besides the current suicidal thoughts and it seems like it doesn't make a differance in the fights between us. It is not his fault, because he does care which is why he takes it personal. But sometimes part of caring is realizing when someone is going through a hard time and being there and not taking shit personal. Realizing its not directly aimed at you. It seems that as a repeat of history.. writing is my only escape...


and its terrifying for me. I don't know what the future will hold. Im scared about surgery, about money, about having a job, about this new relationship im in. My physical body is shit right now constantly in pain. I don't know what to do. I would love to just disappear for a while.


I just wish I could tell someone without feeling judged and without being told "to stop feeling sorry for yourself" "your life is not that bad" "stop with the emo shit". I understand my life is not that bad, that doesn't change how I feel or my thought process... Trust me I have tried to think positive.... Scares the fuck out of me.. I have been dealing with this suicidal shit since 7th grade.. its still here. Im terrified of it winning in the future. Something has to give..

Thank god for my daughter. otherwise I would not be here...


God help me get through this..Im asking.